I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
