I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
