My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
