After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
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