he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've blown a few things in my day
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
