singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
