she was so not down for the gang bang
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
