Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
home. puking in laundry basket.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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