Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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