I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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