omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
