his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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