Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
