I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
