it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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