ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
