I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Found the puke drawer
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
