I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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