um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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