I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How does it feel to date your dad?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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