the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
