no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
