she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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