You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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