im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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