Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
