hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
