Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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