Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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