I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
