Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
