I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
