I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
