why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
