He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
