did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I bet he comes in French.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
