He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
