atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
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