also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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