I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
