so that wasnt chicken after all
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
