I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
