He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
