First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
