It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
