um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
