Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
