uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
