ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
