she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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